When you travel to India for a stay exceeding 180 days you will be required to register with the Foreigners Registration Office (FRO)  within two weeks of your arrival. This can be a bit tricky for us outsiders so I've put together a handy step-by-step guide to walk you through it.

The following took place over the course of two months.

How to Register with the FRO in India:

Step 1: Catch an auto rickshaw and ride the 45 minutes to the FRO the day after you arrive.

Step 2: Get stopped at the door and told to go online and download an application form and bring with it all the documents that you've already given them when you applied for your visa.

Step 3: Collect the documents and return. Wait for your number to be called. For 15 minutes no one will be called to the counter, despite all of them being manned by people starring at the wall.

Step 4: Wonder uselessly why this is.

Step 5: They will begin calling numbers and after 30 minutes it will be your turn. The man inspecting documents will find a typo in your rental contract and tell you to get it fixed and re-notarized. You will also be told to bring a copy of the landlords photo ID as well as a letter from your landlord stating that you will be staying there. It will seem to you that the signed rental contract would be sufficient. Ignore that thought.

Step 6: Wait a week and half for your landlord to come back from a business trip in Rome and give you a copy of his ID.

Bonus Traveler's Tip: It won't matter since before he gets back you'll realize you're being overcharged, find a better apartment for 8,000 rupees less and start the process over.

Step 7: Collect the new documents and take them to the FRO. Wait for your  number to be called. After 40 minutes it will be your turn, but the man at the counter will immediately direct you to another line where documents are being inspected by another man.

 Step 8: Wait in the second line for 30 minutes. The man at this counter will tell you that you're too far past the registration deadline so you will now need a police report from the city you currently live in stating that you have not been arrested for anything.

Step 9: He will give you a letter explaining what form is needed to give to the police.

Step 10: Take the request letter to the station. Once there they will tell you that you've only lived in this city for a few days so before they give you their report you'll need to present one from the city you first lived in.

Step 11: Ride to that city's police station. You will be informed that you need a request letter from the FRO listing their city's name. If you hear a soft chipping sound, don't worry. That's just the sound of your mind breaking in little, tiny pieces. Ignore it and ride the 45 minutes back to the FRO for the report request letter.

Bonus Traveler's Tip: When the FRO gives you the form with the wrong city on it, hand it back and tell them to reprint it. He'll try and convince you that this is unnecessary, but you'll know better because you’re a savvy traveler about to go completely insane.

Step 12: Return to the first police station with the proper letter. He'll ask you why it wasn't stamped by the FRO. Be bewildered. He'll shake his head and tell you that he needs copies of your visa and passport. Apparently the stamp was simply a matter of preference. When you give the copies to him, he will tell you the visa copy is on the wrong size paper.

Step 13: Take deep breathes and count to 10.

Step 14: Go across the street to a Xerox shop and get the copy on the correct sized paper.

Step 15: When you return he will then, and only then, inform that he also needs copies of your rental contract, your employment contract and a photograph of you.

Step 16: Look at your photo. Wonder who this person is. He looks strangely familiar, like someone you once new in a past life.

Step 17: Go back across the street to get these all copied.

Step 18: When you return three minutes later the police officer will be gone and you will be told that he has left to have breakfast.

Step 19: Burn the building down

Step 20: Burn the building down.

Step 21: Burn the building down

Step 22: Ignore the voices telling you to burn the building down as this will only further delay your registration.

Step 23: Wait the 20 minutes for him to return. He will take the copies and tell you to come back tomorrow.

Step 24: Go back the next day and wait at the station for half an hour. The police officer will show up and grab a Tupperware of food from his desk drawer. He'll tell you he's going to eat breakfast. Say something stupid like, "Wait! Is my report ready?"

Step 25: Watch him walk away, pretending he hasn't heard you.

Step 26: Wait another 20 minutes while you cling uselessly to your feeble grip on reality like an elderly widower clutching  a photograph of his long dead wife.

Step 27: When he returns he'll turn on his computer and print the report. Could he have done this before breakfast? No, you idiot. Why would you even think that?

 Loose five points.

Step 28: The police officer will then tell you to go across the street to make copies for him. Apparently you now work at the police station too. Congratulations on your new job, Senior Copier Guy Who Copies Stuff For People Who Love To Eat Breakfast!

Step 29: Return with the copies and leave with the original. Remember those voices telling you to burn the building down? Feel free to give now!

Step 30: Act casual as you walk out of the burning building.

Step 31: Get sent to Chennai for four days on business.

Step 32: When you return take the report to the station of city you currently live in. Die a little inside when he tells you that the report was only valid for three days. Did anyone bother to mention this to you? Nope! Is it printed on the form anywhere? Nope! Did Officer Breakfast try to tell you this telepathically? Maybe!

Step 33: Since you're already there, the officer wants to see your apartment to make sure this isn't some elaborate ruse to drive yourself insane. Oh, but he doesn't have a car so you have to find a rickshaw and you have to pay for it.

Step 34: Show him the apartment and drop him back off at his station.

Step 35: Go back to the charred remains of the other station and explain to Officer Breakfast that you need another report.

He'll tell you that he can't give you another report without another request letter from the FRO. You'll ask why a second, nearly identical letter is necessary. He'll just shrug and walk out of his office, leaving you to clutch your knees to you chest and rock back forth mumbling incoherently.

Step 36: Keep in mind that punching an officer of the law right in his breakfast-eating face is frowned upon in India and exit the station peacefully.

Step 37: Ride the 45 minutes back to the FRO and wonder how it's possible to hate a building so much.

Step 38: Ask for another request letter and show the man working the desk the other city's request letter so he knows what you're asking for. He'll ask you why it's not stamped.

Bonus Traveler's Tip: Apparently there is  a magical man who runs around stamping important documents which is obviously why no one bothered to tell you that a stamp for them existed let alone was necessary.

Step 39: Get the request letter and...

Step 40: Get it stamped.

Step 41: Take the stamped request letter to the police station of the first city you lived in. Wait 30 minutes for the officer to come to his office.

Bonus Traveler's Pop Quiz!

What was Officer Breakfast doing for those 30 minutes:

A Eating dinner

B His job

C Eating breakfast heyguysthisistherightanswer.

Step 42: He will take the form and ask for scanned copies of your passport and visa. You'll remind him that you gave those to him last week. He will tell you that those are now in storage. Of course they are.

Step 43: Go across the street and make copies. When you hand them in the officer will tell you to come back later that evening. 

Step 44: Return and collect the report.

Step 45: Muster up the strength to do a victory dance.

Step 46: Take this report and head to the station of the city you currently live in. There's a new officer in charge and he heard you have a pretty sweet pad and now he wants to see it. Find a rickshaw and pay for it to take the two of you to your apartment. Show it to him and drop him back off at the station.

He'll tell you to return for their report later that night.

Step 47: Return to the police station. He'll tell you to return at 11 the following morning. At this point your exhaustion is outpacing your anger. Crawl away.

Step 48: Return to the police station again. Wait with the police officer for the police chief to show up to sign your report. After about 20 minutes the officer will get annoyed of your constant sighing and the two of you will go to find the chief.

The police chief will be the man with two stars on his shoulder watching TV. Some show about Indian people. He'll look away from the screen long enough to sign your form.

Step 49: With both reports and all necessary documents in hand, march proudly into the FRO. Nothing can stop you. You're on top of the world.

Step 50: You suck and you're stupid. One of your letters from your company isn't written right. Has it been look at and approved by several FRO employees? Yep! It even has check mark seal of approval on it. Doesn't matter!

Step 51: Oh and also now you need a scanned ID of your boss.

Bonus Traveler's Tip: On the FRO website is a list of documents necessary for your registration. A copy of your boss's ID isn't on there. No one is going to mention it until now. But still, you should have known…somehow.

Step 52: Take a rickshaw 45 minutes back to the office. Write and print a new letter and copy your boss's ID.

Step 53: Take a rickshaw back to the FRO and hand in the papers. He will stamp your passport letting everyone know from here on out that you registered late. But who cares because...

Step 54 : Congratulations! You are now a registered foreigner as well as a danger to yourself and others. What is the meaning of this vulgar reality? All is an illusion.

Step 55: Check yourself into a nearby mental institution and enjoy the rest of your life in a bathrobe.

Without stopping to look down I jump off the Satabdi Express with a hundred other passengers before and behind me. We are like water from a spout, poured too quickly into the grimy train station. We trip over each other and each other's children before sloshing against the grey walls opposite and pillars in between.

The train, now far behind me, was air conditioned, and now outside I'm having trouble breathing. The April air in Chennai is so thick you could gargle it and spit it out. The humidity immediately wraps itself around me. It's like wearing a wetsuit underneath a sweater in the middle of July.

When I talked to my friends about the trip in the days leading up to it their eyes would go wide as they tried to convince me to reschedule.

"No, no too hot now. Go a different time."

Unfortunately Chris is only in town for a week and we have meetings already lined up.

We hurry through the crowded, dimly lit train station, stepping over sleeping travelers and weaving around toppling piles of luggage. After six hours on the train it feels good to test my legs.

We finally emerge from the sweltering maze into the sweltering city and begin searching for a rickshaw.  There should be 40 of them swarming tourists lost in a new land, but we see only five or six. We would later learn that everyone is at home watching the Cricket World Cup which happens once every four years. The final match is pitting India against their neighbor, Sri Lanka.

Eventually we do find a driver. He charges us 175 rupees for a ten minute ride that should only cost 25, but it's a seller's market so we reluctantly accept. We arrive at the hotel and walk into the lobby just in time to see India loose the World Cup. As I fall asleep the trains gentle rocking continues somewhere deep in my inner ear.

The following day is filled with meetings and planning, but as it winds down Ravi, our sports director, offers to take me to a state football match where one of our former players is competing. Oasis runs multiple football leagues throughout South India for boys and young men growing up in the slums. We use these leagues to give them a reason to not join a gang or follow their fathers into alcoholism. Role models like Ravi are able to show them that there are new and better ways to live, if they only decide to work and work hard for it.

We jump on Ravi's motorcycle and head out to the stadium.

The blazing sun is setting, kept at bay behind tall buildings as a cool wind finds its way to us from the nearby ocean. People escape their various places of work and flood the sidewalks to chat, sip chai and eat deep-fried street food. As our motorcycle cuts left down a narrow street, the sunlight begins breaking free, flashing rhythmically though each gap in the passing buildings. It feels as though it's chasing us, desperately trying to keep up. All of this is seen through half-shut eyes. I made the mistake once of fully opening them while on the back of a motorcycle. The stinging is instantaneous, as small particles of dust hit your eyeballs at 30 miles an hour.

As we find a seat in the stadium, Ravi points our player out to me. From the distance it's hard to make out any distinguishing features except for the big number 10 printed on the back of his jersey.

Ravi offers a few details about Number 10's life before Oasis. He grew up with a dad who was perpetually drunk and a mother who was gone all day cleaning houses just so they could survive. He and his younger brother stayed in school and at night would sleep beneath a roof made of dried palm leaves. For a long time, this was their future. Then several years ago they began playing with Oasis and have since become quite skilled at the sport. They've made good friends and found mentors in their coaches, especially Ravi.

Now Number 10 is paid a decent salary to play football with the state's equivalent to our minor leagues  and, according to Ravi, he has a real chance at playing professionally within the next few years. His younger brother plays for the division below him but is getting better every season.

Even with the 200 or so other spectators (all male), the massive stadium is practically empty. The men behind us yell down to the players with every steal and missed shot. "They're shouting swear words," is the closest to a translation I can get out of Ravi. A old man is sprawled out on the concrete floor below us, sleeping off his afternoon beers. Children jump over him to get back to their seats.

Number 10's team is losing, 2-1, with one minute left in the game. Suddenly his teammate breaks free with the ball and dashes towards the painted goal posts. A stampede of stained yellow jerseys close the gap and quickly surround him, but it's too late, he's already in shooting range.  With a swift kick the ball rockets out from the cluster of players, cuts left and just barely misses the goal. As the ball rolls away from the field the referee blows the whistle. The game is over.

We pack up and Ravi drops me back at my hotel. 

I’ve been keeping a record of these random scenes from day to day life in my shiny new Moleskin notebook, a gift from the supercool Brandon and Mel. I’ll be posting them from time to time:

A family of three speeds by on a motorcycle, barely an inch away from our auto-rickshaw. The woman sits towards the back holding an infant and I laugh thinking about the outbreak of justifiable panic that would erupt if this were to happen back home.

A Muslim girl walks towards me, her face covered with only sharp, stoic eyes peering out. Suddenly they contort, she stops walking and her hand rushes to cover her mouth.
With a shake of her head and a sonic boom a sneeze breaks free.

I step onto my patio Sunday morning and pull an undershirt off the clothes line. I put it on and the thin cotton is warm from the still rising sun.

I walk into a restaurant during what happens to be one of the biggest cricket games of the year.  India versus their former countrymen of Pakistan. The game is projected on the wall and to me it's chaos but all eyes are aimed at the screen.  I assume India has won when the room explodes into hugging and cheering.

A coworker kindly offers to buy me breakfast.
With my last bite an insect surfaces
in the small bowl of cilantro chutney
I've been dipping rice flower cakes into.

Chickens wander about, unknowingly stalked by orange kittens. Pots smoke and steam over open flames. Men in undershirts eye us suspiciously from doorsteps and flies stir with every step like angry dust clouds.  The slums of India are a spider web of alleyways studded with doors that open to small rooms expected to house a family.

Jessica, a staff member visiting from our UK base, and I are here to record a video interview with the parents of one of our students.

He was making friends with the gangs when we found him. In three days he'll graduate from our Photoshop and digital design program having cast off his old life, criminal aspirations and all. Two of his teachers, Rohit and Gita, lead us to his parent's home. 

Ten minutes into our trek and Rohit stops suddenly to look around. He takes in the neighborhood.

"Okay let's go different ways now. Gita, take Jessica and I'll take Daniel. We'll meet at the house."

As we take a quick left turn I ask why we're splitting up.

"I don't want people noticing us. Sometimes when they see a group of foreigners walking around they think something is happening and start gathering. That can turn bad very quickly."

As we continue through the narrow streets a group of young boys run up to Rohit, shouting to him in Tamil. He laughs and grabs one by the cheek, giving him a quick shake before letting him go. The boy reorients himself as his friends hit their knees in laughter.

"Those kids are in one of my classes," he says, walking away. "They're great."

 Rohit tells me that he himself was once a student in Oasis' program.

"I was considering suicide for a long time before I started," he says as casually as if he were talking about the weather.

And it's no wonder. Suicide amongst the youth is a massive and common problem in the city. During Jessica's first week here an 18 year old girl living in her building hung herself. She left the water running in the shower. Her husband found her.

Rohit tells me more about his life and upbringing, ending with: "But through Oasis I've found Christ and now I'm married and I have a daughter."

He smiles and looks down the road ahead of us. I feel a hope that is often hard to find out here. It's easy to compare the number of victims against the number of people reached by Oasis. It's an ocean filled with statistics waiting for you to slip in and drown. But here, now, a history has been changed. Altered forever. That has to count for something.

We finally arrive at a bright blue door and wait for Jessica and Gita to catch up.

It's been getting warmer lately as India enters its summer season. The sun beats down without humility.  A stray dog trots past us covered in yellow and pink paint; a reluctant participant of today's Holi Day celebrations.

Once reunited we make our way up a flight of cement stairs so narrow they would effectively keep a fat burglar out and barely squeeze into the single-room house. To give some perspective, the entirety of the space would maybe fill half of an American bedroom. As we sit on whatever make-shift chairs we can find one of the daughters materializes holding a tray with metal cups full of Coke. Her sister follows with spiced cookies. Their father smiles proudly. He took the day off of work just to talk with us today; no small sacrifice for him and his family.

"Eat! Drink!," our host declares. This isn't the first time I've witnessed such hospitality. No matter how little a family has they will eagerly place it in front of any random guest who walks through their door. I'm beginning to think that being inconvenienced by another person is purely a Western concept.  

After much discourse we finally begin the interview. As the parents speak about the changes they've seen in their son's life, the youngest daughter climbs onto a stool in the background and starts vigorously picking her nose. The mother is speaking so passionately and I don't want to interrupt so I just decide to move the girl for the second take. My camera battery dies before we get the chance so I hope our audience has a sense of humor.

As we leave, the entire family comes out to wave us goodbye. The sun is setting and the slums are quickly becoming unsafe for outsiders. We hurry through the dusty roads and catch the first rickshaw we see.  

Vishnu

Saturday I went out and did touristy things and took touristy photos of it.
Click on to see them.

Alms

I sit down on a red pleather couch to take break from the authentic Indian experience that has filled my last couple of weeks to get back in touch with my roots. “Oh Krispy Kreme,” I whisper before taking a bite of the shiny pastry. “Take me home.”

Yes, the diabetic arm of the American empire reaches even here. 

In the background My Chemical Romance and Keane blast from mounted speakers, taking me back to Southern California circa 2005 and I’m loving every second of it.  

It’s 8 p.m. and I’m meeting with Chris, one of the heads from Oasis Global, and our Communications Director, Reena, to go over a new media strategy. Unlike a lot of non-profits, which spend thousands on publicity and only hundreds on their cause, Oasis India has the opposite problem. So much is being done through their numerous community centers and rehabilitation homes but a combination of time constraint and the unwieldy English language means that most will never hear about it. This is where I’m hoping to contribute.

Chris leaves to order a coffee, offering to buy us a cup as well. I agree, knowing full well I’ll be up all night but craving something familiar: a meeting over coffee. It’s the little things. 

When he returns he’s carrying a box of a dozen donuts. Glazed, fruit filled, sprinkled-the works. Four for each of us. This British man has severely underestimated the richness, the sweetness, the ungodly caloric density of American donuts. Four of these could kill a small horse. I pick the chocolate one and bite into it. 

As Chris talks about the upcoming annual report, two small boys appear in the giant window behind him. Their clothes look years older than they do. One is holding a bundle of small, red roses, no doubt selling them for some unseen power. With eyes wide the pair begins jumping up and down pointing at our box of multicolored pastries. 

Before long Chris realizes he’s lost our attention and turns to see who the culprits are. He smiles to himself and looks down at the box. “Well we might as well. We’re not going to eat all of these.”

Reena agrees, waving the boys over to us and in three short seconds they’re by our table reaching for the desserts. Reena stops them, saying something in Hindi. The boys ignore her, arms stretched past her. She repeats the last phrase again, stern but friendly. Still jumping they finally shout the Hindi word for ‘please’. Happy with their response she hands them two donuts, one chocolate, the other glazed. As they dash back towards the door one of them turns around and quickly throws a kiss in our direction.

Before we can get back to the matters at hand, the two boys return, this time with a small girl in tow. A long yellow dress reaches up from the floor towards her visibly dirty face. They point her towards the box between us. Chris, who spent 20 years living in Bangalore, should have seen this coming. 

But before he can do anything, the security guard catches sight of the scene unfolding (a lot of establishments here have security guards. On an unrelated note, I don’t know if I’ve seen any police in this country). After three quick strides he grabs the girl by the arm and starts pulling her away, empty-handed. 

Oh but he underestimates her. 

With a sharp tug and a twist the girl breaks free and runs back to us, her arms outstretched wide, her smile wider. Reena quickly sneaks her the bright, sprinkled donut before the guard regains his grip. 

As he shoves the trio out the door he gives each of them a sharp smack on the head, but it hardly registers. They have the sugar-saturated alms they came for. Before slipping off into the night they slap their hands against the window and wave to us one last time. 

Chris chuckles at the chaos. “I’m sure they come to this window every night looking for suckers like us.”

I nod my head in agreement. Reena does too, smiling.

We push away the underlying reality of the scene and allow ourselves to focus on their joy for a few minutes. 

 I don’t think we mind being tonight’s suckers.

Shades

  Yea those Ray Bans you got are pretty cool, I guess, but what about these Roy & Bons?